It’s not a secret that I’ve been on my fair share of dates, 95% of which have been mentally scarring. I don’t mean we fought over who paid for the bill, I mean genuinely trying to escape out of the bathroom window. Here is my worst dates repertoire, and why they’re all in my past thanks to The Inner Circle who screen all my dates, so I don’t have to.
50 Shades of Grey
It got worse from there. Within 15 minutes he told me that he’d been to rehab twice, and probably needed to go back again for nymphomania. He continued with with, once he was married he wouldn’t allow his wife to work, she would be at his beck and call, and should ‘turn a blind eye’ when he cheats on her.
Needless to say, I calmly announced that I was going to “find the toilets”, then asked the waiter how I could leave without being seen. The waiter asked who I was with, I pointed to my date, he said “give me 5 minutes, I’ll personally help you leave”.
2) 1 and ½ Men
His picture was him cradling an adorable baby. I asked who it was, he said “my nephew”, I naturally believed him and thought no more of it. Then came the date. First off he was late, then he jumped out at me from behind (not a sensible thing to do to a woman. In public. In a busy city).
We went for a walk and then to a pizza place, he seemed nice. Mid-meal he looked at me ominously and said “I’ve got something to tell you”. As I was shoving 4 pieces of calamari in my mouth he said “the baby in the picture is actually mine”. I spat the squid out, eyes streaming (from the combination of shock and an overly ambitious mouthful), and 10 minutes later I made my excuses and we parted ways.
To clarify, the problem was never that he had a child, kids are cute and I can’t wait to having my own one day, even if they make a disproportionate amount of mess for their size. It’s that he creepily lied about it, made me think I was going to be attacked in public, and could only come up with pizza for a first date.
3) The Phantom of the Opera is nuts
He took me to an exhibition, left my ticket behind the information table and said “you’ll have to find me”. It was exciting, it was fun, I was really keen. The exhibition was a room filled with speakers, each with a different voice singing one part of an Opera. He decided one was below par and that he could do it better. So he did. Out loud. He went around the room saying how terrible each was and then showed me how to do all of the parts himself, insanely loud, everyone was looking, the curator was there and staring at us, it was humiliating.
The next day he sent me a text, that was a 5 part list, ending in “I don’t want to scare you but I think I want to marry you”. Needless to say I ran for the hills.
4) The Solution
“So have you found someone normal now?” I imagine you’re asking yourself as you skim read this on your phone, let’s be honest probably on the toilet. I am still searching, but I have decided to try a much more filtered approach.
I’m one of those people where dating apps work for me, specifically ones where you can sort what you’re looking for. The Inner Circle is the one I’m on at the moment and I think it’s going to stick, the users are filtered before they get a profile (no more Catfish Bob), everyone is an ambitious young professional with similar interests (so less lying and certainly no creeping up in public) and they run events in cities across the world (so if some nutcase takes me somewhere so he can scream in italian at strangers, I can literally just go and talk to someone else). 10/10 highly recommend.