Attending festivals is hard work. It requires willpower, dedication and the ability to ignore all unpleasant smells you might encounter both in your own tent and when braving the portable loos. To help you get along, there are certain rules you must adhere to:
1. You will need an amazing fancy dress outfit
Do you have enough face paint to cover your whole body for your minion costume (it’s still funny, like this child proves, plus you can wear those dungarees you’ve had hanging in your wardrobe for the past three years)? Have you searched enough for festival outfits from Morph Costumes? Are you going as a group in costume and if so are you all committed to the cause?
Your fancy dress costume as a rule is the most important outfit you take to a festival and therefore requires lots of thought and effort. Or you could just leave it until the last minute and run round stores the day before like a maniac – that’s probably a more relatable scenario. That ‘fest best dressed’ award isn’t going to win itself.
2. You will not be clean
No matter how many baby wipes you rub all over yourself, body glitter, mud, spilt cider and sun cream won’t come off until you power hose yourself down when you get home.
3. You will always get stuck behind the 10ft tall person
They will also wave their arms around and probably elbow you in the face and not even apologise. It’s not their fault they’re so tall but you two are always drawn to each other. It’s reminiscent of when you go to the cinema and that one person with the abnormally sized head or big hair decides to plonk themselves down right in front of you. As a festivalgoer you must embrace this rule.
4. You will get caught in a downpour
It will probably rain. Every. Single. Day. It will more than likely be heavy rain that requires ponchos and wellies. It will be the type of rain that will upset even ducks, frogs and any other creature that actually enjoys getting wet. This rain will create mud. Your car will get stuck when you try to leave. You will probably damage something expensive, such as a phone or camera. It’s a very basic fact of life for a festivalgoer.
5. Someone will try to start a ‘mosh pit’
It doesn’t matter if it’s Lily Allen playing or if Pharrell is taking a break, for these guys it’s always mosh pit time and any old music will do. They are more than likely skinny, longhaired seemingly pre-pubescent boys or strangely enough those immaculately dressed, tanned posers, who wear shirts that hang so low you can see their nipples. Why they want to smash into each other and ‘rage’ like a lunatic to the music no one knows, but as a rule you must steer well and truly clear.
Bonus rule: You will embrace it all
You’ll ignore the mud, the moshing while Justin Timberlake is playing, the overly priced cheesy chips, your inability to pitch a tent, the guy who just decides to go to the toilet anywhere… you will embrace it all as part of regular festivalgoer life and simply go home with plenty of stories to shock your parents with.
